Kaley Cuoco Isn’t Holding Back

It’s been almost three years since The Big Bang Theory—the CBS sitcom that made Kaley Cuoco one of the richest women in television—wrapped up its 12-year run, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. Since then Cuoco has found herself busier than ever thanks to her captivating performance as flight attendant Cassie Bowden, a young woman with a drinking problem and a penchant for finding herself in sticky situations, on HBO Max’s comedy thriller The Flight Attendant.

In its first season, the series—based on the New York Times best-selling novel by Chris Bohjalian—became the streaming service’s number one show during its run. It went on to receive nine Emmy nominations in total for season one and earned Cuoco, a 30-year industry vet who executive-produces the series, her first Emmy nomination for lead actress in a comedy series, as well as placement on some of Hollywood’s most prominent lists, from The Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment Power 100 to one of Variety500’s 2021 honorees.

And from the moment Cuoco wrapped season one of The Flight Attendant to when she began filming season two last September, the 36-year-old has acted in two films—this summer’s Man From Toronto, opposite Kevin Hart and Woody Harrelson, as well as Meet Cute with Pete Davidson. She has also optioned the rights to two more projects through Yes, Norman Productions, the production company she started in 2017. Those include A Season With Mom, based on the book about a mother and daughter’s baseball-loving bond, and an upcoming limited series on Hollywood golden-era legend Doris Day, based on A.E. Hotchner’s 1976 biography, Doris Day: Her Own Story.

Cuoco has always been a bankable star; even before charming audiences with her sarcastic, witty portrayal of Penny on Big Bang, there was her role as John Ritter’s daughter on ABC’s 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, plus a 22-episode stint on the WB’s Charmed. But it’s The Flight Attendant that has given her a certain cachet that until now has been fairly elusive.

Yet, as it so often goes, professional success doesn’t always equate to personal happiness. Fans assumed she was living her best life, especially when she would share sweet and self-deprecating videos with her husband of three years, equestrian Karl Cook, and their many rescue animals throughout the height of the pandemic. She’ll be the first to tell you that none of it was for show, and she felt—and feels—very grateful and fortunate for her success and relationship, but Cuoco announced last September that she and Cook had filed for divorce.

Cuoco, who had previously been married to tennis player Ryan Sweeting from 2013 to 2016, said in a joint statement that “despite a deep love and respect for one another, [Karl and I] have realized that our current paths have taken us in opposite directions…There is no anger or animosity, quite the contrary.”

Days after the announcement, Cuoco was off to film season two of The Flight Attendant without much of a chance to catch her breath. In the seven months since, she’s been working through the “trauma,” as she calls it, and going to therapy for the first time in her life. “My therapist and I are working on forgiveness and forgiving myself for making mistakes,” she says. “I think that's been the hardest thing is just accepting that I’m normal and that I’m not superwoman. I highly recommend therapy to everyone out there. Even if your life is going really well. I can’t imagine life without it.”

That honesty is evident throughout our 75-minute Zoom, during which Cuoco opens up in detail about the physical toll the divorce took on her body, as well as the pressure to always put forth a joyous demeanor on set. “I am so capable and strong, and I take on so many things,” she tells me. “But this is the first time I faced something where I thought, I can’t do this alone. And it was just enough for me to voice it to my team, because…[normally] I can hide stuff. I was trying to hold everything [and everyone] up.”

On a personal note, it’s a side I’ve seen firsthand during the last year and a half as I began interviewing Cuoco for the upcoming oral history The Big Bang Theory: The Definitive, Inside Story of the Epic Hit Series. She wants to do whatever she can to help everyone else get their needs met to the point you wonder how she manages it all, including taking care of herself.

It’s the reason I was looking forward to catching up with Cuoco now that she’s finished filming the second season of The Flight Attendant. After an insanely busy schedule that has left little time to decompress or process the events of the past year, she’s finally able to shift the focus back to her own well-being. Here, for Glamour’s April cover story, Cuoco opens up about embracing the “gray” in her life, never getting married again, and the role that she was devastated to lose but that paved the way for something greater.

Glamour: You filmed season two of The Flight Attendant over seven months in three countries and alluded to some of the highs and lows recently on Instagram. What were they?

Kaley Cuoco: As big as season one was, this is an even bigger swing—10 times the size in scope. Plus, there’s so much in my personal life I was going through. I never felt relief from it. As an actor, I love going to play something else; you get to escape. But I just didn’t feel I had an escape this season at all. It all kind of melted into one.

That’s completely understandable.

I’d have these emotional scenes and then I’d go home and cry over my personal life. I developed a rash that went from my lower stomach down my leg. It lasted for seven months. I discovered through therapy and through my doctors that it was completely emotional. That’s how the stress was [showing up] physically. I couldn’t even walk. The scenes were so hot and driven; there was no calmness.

Everyone that knows you tells me, “Kaley doesn’t get nervous. Kaley is just able to magically do things.” So to hear you say this, if anything, makes you stronger. Because we can’t do it all ourselves. We do need to ask for help, which I’d imagine is a relief in many ways.

I’ve been very open [on social media] that I’ve struggled this last year. And because I am so capable and strong, I wanted people to see, it’s not all magic and it’s not all easy. I struggle with what I want, what I think I’m supposed to have. Being fearful, being scared of what the future holds. It’s the pressure of family, of kids, of: Can I have all these things? Do I want those things? It’s funny how you can have one part of your life feel so fucking good and the other feels like a mess. I’m learning as I go. But I think it’s also knowing that life is really short and you’ve got to make the move if you’re unhappy. You have to move forward. I do admit to being married to my career. I am. It’s always been my first love. I think that’s a tough one to overcome. I think as women get to this point…[and yes] it is a challenge for me, [because] things in my life and people sometimes don’t measure up to the feeling I have with my career. And I admit to that holding me back in a way. I’m talking about that a lot in therapy. I’m so black-and-white, and trying to find the gray is just very hard for me. It’s all or nothing. I actually have a T-shirt that says, “Still trying to find the gray.” And I admit that’s a downfall. I’ve lost relationships over it; I’ve lost friendships over it.

What specifically is the gray you want to focus on?

If I was hoping for something in my future, definitely giving more time to a relationship. Taking time off. My horses are so important to me. And even that really went to the wayside over the past year. [They] keep me sane. And I want to have a relationship that I give my time to and that the person feels [like they’re] really part of my life. I get so distracted with work, and I want to have that in the future. I know now what I wasn’t doing [in previous relationships]. I want to change that. I really know where I’ve fucked up, and I don’t want to do that again.

And I want a relationship. I want a deeper relationship so that [I’m not afraid to] take a week off here and there. I want to take a breath between jobs, which I haven’t done since the beginning of Big Bang. I’ve not even taken a vacation. I don’t want to. The thought of going somewhere even for the weekend is like, I can’t. I love working. I would rather work than hang out on a beach somewhere. But [that relentless pursuit] was making me sick. I mean, the rash on my leg doesn’t lie. It was nuts. It’s gone now, but I know that I’m prone to it.

And as you said, you do want to be in a relationship again because you still very much believe in love, but what does that look like to you?

I will never get married again. I would love to have a long-lasting relationship or a partnership. But I will never get married again. Absolutely not. You can literally put that on the cover. But I believe in love because I’ve had incredible relationships. I know that they’re out there. I like being someone’s partner and having that companionship. We’ve all been there where you think, Oh, my God, I’m never going to meet someone else. And you do. There are great people that come into your life and they leave your life. And there are reasons for all of it. The minute that I agree to let it go, someone else magical comes into my life. So I do believe there is someone out there. I love love. I’m not someone that wants to be by myself. I just need to figure out my priorities a little bit and make sure now I know that I need to water that relationship. It’s like a plant. Sometimes I get too focused on the garden instead of the specific plant that needs to be watered. And I am well aware of that. I want to change, I want to be better.

I have to ask: Do you want to set the record straight on Pete Davidson, your costar in the upcoming romantic comedy Meet Cute? Because people attached you to him once your divorce was announced.

I knew it was going to happen. We really became very good friends, and he truly is one of the nicest people in the world. I loved seeing him on set, how he was with fans and with the crew. He took pictures with everybody. Some people would walk by and be like, “Fuck you, Pete Davidson.” And then the next person would drive by and be like, “Oh, my God, I’m your biggest fan!” And he’d laugh.

I texted him the other day and said, “What life are you living right now? I just want to know.” I don't even think he knows how famous he is. I know that sounds cheesy. But I don’t think he knows. I got to know him very well, and he doesn’t thrive on that. He’s just Pete. He laughs everything off. And I saw the movie recently, and I’m so excited about it. I’m trying not to be biased, but it’s really sweet.

So let’s pivot back to life after Big Bang. Was it frustrating when it felt like people were just discovering you and your talent thanks to The Flight Attendant?

No, it was so nice. I laughed about it last season [when I was called] “newcomer Kaley Cuoco” after I got nominated for the Golden Globe. But in a sense I was, because I’d never been in that arena of [getting] nominations. It wasn’t something that ever happened to me. I don’t know why that is the way it turned out. Big Bang was such a group piece. It was such an ensemble show. And I got to put in my funny sarcasms and my little things, but I wasn’t the leader of that show. Sometimes I got to take a backseat, and sometimes I got to shine. And so when I decided to do The Flight Attendant, I was like, Are people going to judge this choice, because they see me as a comedic actress?

And so I guess it put me in a different light, but I was excited. I feel like my peers accepted me with open arms as this new thing. I’m known as Cassie now, not [just] Penny anymore, which is so crazy to me. I’ve always said if I was remembered as Penny for the rest of my career, I’d be thrilled. But there was a shift there, and people felt that I was kind of new on the scene, which I guess in a way I was. But it just makes me laugh. It was like: Wow, that’s how they took it. That’s fascinating.

Was there ever a role that you wanted during or after Big Bang and either couldn’t get in the room for it or didn’t get it?

Oh, yes. It was actually quite recent. It was the sequel for Knives Out. And I was convinced [the part was mine]. Kate Hudson ended up getting it. But I was so convinced that my bags were packed for Greece. And then I didn’t get it. I was so devastated. And I’m not [normally] devastated over roles. I had done chemistry reads, I had done Zooms. And I didn’t get it. I cried and I cried all night long. And it went to Kate, who’s great. And the next day I got a call about Meet Cute. They were like, “We have an interesting script.” And I said, “I don’t want to read anything. I suck. No one wants me.” They said, “You’ve got to read this.” And Pete was already attached, and I’m like, “Okay, I’ll read it.” And when I did, I said, “This is the most magical little script.” And I would’ve never gotten it if I [got] Knives. It just shows you that you’re where you’re supposed to be. I mean, I was gutted over that. And that’s when I thought I was on fire, like, I’m for sure getting that. And they were like, “No, we’re going to go with Kate.”

Did they ever give you a reason why?

No. [But the whole time prior,] I was thinking I was hot shit: I’m going to be with Daniel Craig. This is amazing. But I couldn’t be happier with how things turned out. That’s what it was supposed to be, and Knives is going to be great and Kate’s great. She was supposed to do it and I was supposed to do this. And maybe I’ll get to audition for the third one.

With the success and prestige of The Flight Attendant, have you noticed people’s attitudes changing toward you?

Oh, for sure. I think also when you’re hot, everyone wants to be around you. Of course, if you’re not working, they kind of forget about you. Then you do something else, and all of a sudden you’re new again and fun and shiny. And look, I’m the same person that I’ve been my whole career. I’ve been in this business for 30 years. I have not changed. I’m sitting here laughing, being like, Oh, my God, how am I getting away with this? But I’m the same person. I’ve become very particular about the decisions I make, the press I do, the parties I go to. I’m at a different stage in my life where I really just want to do great work. That’s the most important to me. And to work with great people and build my company. So how other people reacted or responded didn’t affect me because I was still the same. I’ll maybe have different dogs around, but I’m not going to change who I am.

But I also think it’s okay to change and we do change. Do you feel like you’ve grown?

There’s absolute growth going on. I mean, this last year’s been the most growth I’ve had in my entire life in my 36 years on this planet. And it’s been life-changing for me. My life will never be the same. And I totally feel that. And I see things differently now. Change is good. I just mean, I think my outlook on the business [remains the same], and success will never change me. Emotionally and personally, I’ve had the most changes I could ever have in my life over this past year. And I’ll never be the same and I’ll never act the same moving forward.

Look, I would’ve loved to pay someone off to go through what I went through. I would’ve loved to be like, Why can’t I just go hide away for six months? My therapist is like, “You have to go through it. You have to climb the mountain and go through all the horrible.” There’s no shortcut. And I’m very good at finding shortcuts. [Laughs.] And I had to walk right through it and face things that I know are problems with myself. It’s been a major mirror situation for me. I know there’s no shortcut at all.

Was there ever advice that drove you crazy? I heard “you got this” all the time while I was working on the Big Bang oral history, and it drove me nuts because it just felt so generic.

“You got this” would’ve annoyed me. I don’t know if many people said that to me. Because they probably know that would’ve annoyed me. But my sister—and this wasn’t a bad thing; it was a lovely thing—would text me every morning to say everything’s going to be okay. Some mornings it was not okay, and other mornings I'd be like, Oh, my God, she's right, it’s going to be okay.

Also, I don’t know if I would’ve gotten through this without Zosia Mamet [who plays Cassie’s BFF, Annie, on TFA], who lived with me basically the entire time we were filming season two. There were mornings where I was like, “I can’t get out of bed. I can’t go to work.” And she would get me out of bed, get me dressed, and put me in my car. Multiple times. She visited me on set on days off, when she didn’t have to be at work, because she knew I was having a hard time. It makes me very emotional because she’s become one of my closest friends. I don’t know what I would’ve done [without her]. And what’s funny is I’m not a roommate person. Even people know me and Karl moved in very late together. I’m very funny about my space. Zosia was with me every day, and I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if she wasn’t, truthfully.

Because you just mentioned Karl, are you still in touch?

I think for the time being things are too raw, and knowing his heart—which is bigger than the world—we will be in each other’s lives in the future. He’s too special. He’s too good. And I don’t want to lose him completely. He knows that I feel that way. And I know he feels that way. There is deep, deep love there, for sure. And I know that we’ll be in each other’s lives in the future.

We always hear the phrase Money can’t buy happiness, but what can you buy that does bring you happiness?

I collect and make mugs. Not like Color Me Mine; I don’t do any of that. But I create the memories. So a lot of the time I will gift someone pictures of us. I cherish my mug collection. People know now that’s probably what I’m going to give them. And I take it so seriously. My love language is gift giving, and I don’t mean how much money you spend on someone. I take such pride in matching the gift with the person. I think so hard on what they will like and what color. I’m also super selfish, because if I make someone a mug, I have to make the same one for myself.

Do you see The Flight Attendant going past season two?

That’s the question. I don’t know. This isn’t like a Big Bang schedule. I could see it. But let’s let it sit for a minute. I want the fans to want it. If they do, I would highly consider it. This was supposed to be one season and then it turned into a huge second season, and I’m so grateful. I also just ended it, like, seven seconds ago. So if I take a little bit of a breath, my mind might change. I need to land the plane. I need to go sit in the pretty VIP room for a minute and have Champagne. I need to put my feet up. Let someone else board the plane, then let it come back. [Laughs.] So I would never say no, but I don’t know. We shall see.

You’ve also signed on to play Doris Day in a limited series. What excites you about playing her?

She’s so iconic—America’s sweetheart, an animal lover, dancer, etc. Finding more about her life is another example of you never know what someone’s going through. She was going through so much behind the scenes. She had multiple relationships, and bad people in her life, [which] is not like [mine], but bad men in her life. Situations with her kid. There was a lot of stuff. In her mind, she was not America’s sweetheart. She never felt that. And I thought it was really interesting.

And I can say it’s not going to be your normal biopic. A much different take on [the genre], which is what’s been a little hard to maneuver. But I have a very good idea for what I want it to be.

So with all that you’re working on, what brings you inner peace right now?

I think it’s important for me and for my mental health to spend a lot of time with my horses. Sometimes I dread going out there, I think, because it reminds me of things. It connects me to my last relationship and it’s just heavy. But I have to remember, I’ve loved horses since I was five years old, and it goes way before anyone ever came into my life. And so it has always been a special thing for me because it’s calming and it grounds me. You can’t be on your phone when you’re riding. You’ve got to be very present. I’m always like, What’s next, what’s next? So the horses keep me present, and I want to make sure that stays with me for the rest of my life.

Will you stay in this house or is that too hard?

I’m going to need to find my own space, I think. That’s another thing that probably gave me my leg rash. But I always end up where I’m supposed to be. You live and learn. You have to go through it. This last year has been no dodging.

So does the fog feel like it’s finally starting to lift a bit?

Like fog, it comes and goes. Some days I’m like, Wow, today’s great. And then I have a really bad day and I fall apart again. Then there’s a week where it’s great and it gets a little longer. And then I fall apart again. I’m going through waves, but the dark moments are getting fewer and fewer. That’s the great thing about fog, though. The minute you walk through, it’s totally clear. As a rider, when you’re headed to a fence, there’s always a few seconds of “fog” where you truly don’t see your distance. You have to believe and keep going. The fog always lifts right when you think you truly can’t see where you are, but then boom—there’s your perfect distance. Sometimes it’s foggier than others, and sometimes it clears quickly, but it’s the same thing as being in the show ring. That’s what fog does: It clears.

Jessica Radloff is the Glamour West Coast editor. You can follow her on Instagram at @jessicaradloff14and Twitter at @JRadloff.